Lately

alright well, things have been pretty rough and hectic lately.
after two whole weeks of resting, school's getting on every single one of my nerves
everyone is blabbing on about how we only have 3 more months to our IGCSE
alright alright, I get it, you're nervous, excited, whatever
I'm not sure why I'm so calm, even though I do worry at times
especially when my dad specifically mentioned that I should be using this term's results to apply for colleges in the UK
just what if I don't get accepted?
do I blame myself for not putting in enough effort or just not care anyway?
to be honest I'm pretty stressed out because I haven't done much
but at the same time I feel like I'm gonna do good (every time I think like this, it usually doesn't happen so) ((yes, I'm speaking from experience))
I'm quite worried but I also tell myself pft it's just an exam, how bad could it get? it's not gonna ruin your life
but here I am, wishing I'll ace the exams with flying colours. yet I can see myself getting weaker in the English subject already.
it's either nothing comes to mind or I'm not even reaching the specific word count
I used to not give a shit and words just come flowing
now I stare at my blank papers and think for an eternity to start something
what the fuck, m8?
on top of everything, school, exams, homework, presentations, I still have family and a boyfriend.
family wise I'd say we're doing okay, just everyone is so freaking busy at all times and we just rarely spend time together.
even when we do more than half of us are on our phones which is really unhealthy if I must say
it's like we don't even communicate anymore
poor daddy always trying to start up a conversation and always get cut off with some one word replies
HAPPY FATHERS' DAY btw!
my mom is becoming really forgetful, my dad is having all sorts of pains, my sis is getting more spoiled and myself, I really don't know
how can you feel awkward around your own family?
in my opinion, that's definitely a problem
and then there's my boyfriend
we had a little break up few days back
couldn't get good sleep for days due to that reason, cried myself to sleep for nights
is that typical? I supposed so.
I'll just assume that's what most teenage girls go through
I mean, what else do we do with our lives really
Lately I'm just feeling like I've been wasting my time a lot
on stuffs that don't matter
I've probably wasted the whole of my high school years
I honestly don't know what I've done for the past 4 and a half years
I've used up so much money, yet I don't think I'll be successful at all
what if I just screw up out there?
I'll have to leave everything behind to study in a whole new environment for 5 years
if I fail, I fail.
what the fuck am I gonna do?
I just fucking hate life and how we're just forced to do all of these things
why can't we decide for ourselves? why is it a must to go to school?
don't get me wrong, I love learning, honestly.
it feels great to have knowledge.
but why is it that I learn so much faster if I was reading an article online or just a random book I like?
because I'm fucking interested not forced into learning to take the exams
wouldn't it be more efficient to learn based on what you're interested in and/or develop your interest in something then teach you stuff and skills or whatever instead of pushing you to school and tell you to pass the exams that will probably mean nothing to you a year later
I mean if I really like a book I've read, I'll remember the content (more or less) even after a long while
whereas being pushed into exam rooms, I just stuff whatever's on the textbook in me and vomit them out on the paper and phew I forget everything I've "learned".
those papers we're so desperately trying to ace, will they still be useful after our exams?
why do we revolve ourselves around shit that are just some papers you cut down trees to make?
after sometime they might just go to the recycle bin anyway
more importantly, why is this an obligation?
like oh yeah, you're brought to this world, now go to school, ace all these, play sports, go to tons of tuition, put in more effort, be talented, sing, dance, play the piano, guitar whatever, graduate from this great school, university, hold a cert, get a fucking job, work until you die with money in hands. yay?
just...who asks for that sort of life?
and instead of stopping, now everyone is just gonna study for a longer time and then come one and work for a longer time. all for money.
it's just greed, come on. we don't need that much on our hands to be happy, do we?
everyone wants to live in comfort, so why can't just everyone lets everything be cheap, everyone is just normal
have enough food to eat, enough water, enough shelter, enough clothing
what more do you need?
a bigger house for what? so much food and drinks that you can't even finish for what? more cars for what you can only drive one at a time?
life is just ridiculous, it shouldn't be like this
I don't get why is everyone working so hard, being so competitive because of those papers called money
if everyone will just be kind and everyone has enough has what they need, nobody even needs money anymore
fuck money, enjoy life, will you?
CAN I JUST ENJOY LIFE WITHOUT HAVING TO WORK UNTIL I DIE WITH MONEY IN BOTH HANDS?
what's the fucking point? you can't even bring money to heaven or hell or wherever we go to after we die