Lately

alright well, things have been pretty rough and hectic lately.
after two whole weeks of resting, school's getting on every single one of my nerves
everyone is blabbing on about how we only have 3 more months to our IGCSE
alright alright, I get it, you're nervous, excited, whatever
I'm not sure why I'm so calm, even though I do worry at times
especially when my dad specifically mentioned that I should be using this term's results to apply for colleges in the UK
just what if I don't get accepted?
do I blame myself for not putting in enough effort or just not care anyway?
to be honest I'm pretty stressed out because I haven't done much
but at the same time I feel like I'm gonna do good (every time I think like this, it usually doesn't happen so) ((yes, I'm speaking from experience))
I'm quite worried but I also tell myself pft it's just an exam, how bad could it get? it's not gonna ruin your life
but here I am, wishing I'll ace the exams with flying colours. yet I can see myself getting weaker in the English subject already.
it's either nothing comes to mind or I'm not even reaching the specific word count
I used to not give a shit and words just come flowing
now I stare at my blank papers and think for an eternity to start something
what the fuck, m8?
on top of everything, school, exams, homework, presentations, I still have family and a boyfriend.
family wise I'd say we're doing okay, just everyone is so freaking busy at all times and we just rarely spend time together.
even when we do more than half of us are on our phones which is really unhealthy if I must say
it's like we don't even communicate anymore
poor daddy always trying to start up a conversation and always get cut off with some one word replies
HAPPY FATHERS' DAY btw!
my mom is becoming really forgetful, my dad is having all sorts of pains, my sis is getting more spoiled and myself, I really don't know
how can you feel awkward around your own family?
in my opinion, that's definitely a problem
and then there's my boyfriend
we had a little break up few days back
couldn't get good sleep for days due to that reason, cried myself to sleep for nights
is that typical? I supposed so.
I'll just assume that's what most teenage girls go through
I mean, what else do we do with our lives really
Lately I'm just feeling like I've been wasting my time a lot
on stuffs that don't matter
I've probably wasted the whole of my high school years
I honestly don't know what I've done for the past 4 and a half years
I've used up so much money, yet I don't think I'll be successful at all
what if I just screw up out there?
I'll have to leave everything behind to study in a whole new environment for 5 years
if I fail, I fail.
what the fuck am I gonna do?
I just fucking hate life and how we're just forced to do all of these things
why can't we decide for ourselves? why is it a must to go to school?
don't get me wrong, I love learning, honestly.
it feels great to have knowledge.
but why is it that I learn so much faster if I was reading an article online or just a random book I like?
because I'm fucking interested not forced into learning to take the exams
wouldn't it be more efficient to learn based on what you're interested in and/or develop your interest in something then teach you stuff and skills or whatever instead of pushing you to school and tell you to pass the exams that will probably mean nothing to you a year later
I mean if I really like a book I've read, I'll remember the content (more or less) even after a long while
whereas being pushed into exam rooms, I just stuff whatever's on the textbook in me and vomit them out on the paper and phew I forget everything I've "learned".
those papers we're so desperately trying to ace, will they still be useful after our exams?
why do we revolve ourselves around shit that are just some papers you cut down trees to make?
after sometime they might just go to the recycle bin anyway
more importantly, why is this an obligation?
like oh yeah, you're brought to this world, now go to school, ace all these, play sports, go to tons of tuition, put in more effort, be talented, sing, dance, play the piano, guitar whatever, graduate from this great school, university, hold a cert, get a fucking job, work until you die with money in hands. yay?
just...who asks for that sort of life?
and instead of stopping, now everyone is just gonna study for a longer time and then come one and work for a longer time. all for money.
it's just greed, come on. we don't need that much on our hands to be happy, do we?
everyone wants to live in comfort, so why can't just everyone lets everything be cheap, everyone is just normal
have enough food to eat, enough water, enough shelter, enough clothing
what more do you need?
a bigger house for what? so much food and drinks that you can't even finish for what? more cars for what you can only drive one at a time?
life is just ridiculous, it shouldn't be like this
I don't get why is everyone working so hard, being so competitive because of those papers called money
if everyone will just be kind and everyone has enough has what they need, nobody even needs money anymore
fuck money, enjoy life, will you?
CAN I JUST ENJOY LIFE WITHOUT HAVING TO WORK UNTIL I DIE WITH MONEY IN BOTH HANDS?
what's the fucking point? you can't even bring money to heaven or hell or wherever we go to after we die

love?

sometimes I wonder...is Love really that powerful?
is it really the strongest most power in the world?
what exactly is love?
i've read a book recently about love that has touched my heart.
this book has taught me so much about love and to be loved.
and here comes the mind work again
i've been thinking a lot after finishing the book.
i still can't grasp everything that's been said in it but it gives me a new perspective
i realized that sometimes, you need to let go and forgive yourself.
just learn to love yourself a little more
we're so busy pouring our love to people around us that we often forget that, us, ourselves need it too
to be loved. not only by people, but also yourself. that's important.
quote from the book "pause, see, love"
you know take some time, pause and look around and see, observe, listen then spread the love
many people may be forgetting to love themselves
and if we take the time to take in notice of these, maybe, just maybe, a lot of people would be saved from the demons within themselves.
we're all hurting...the sizes of the problems aren't the point.
it is that we all deserve to live.
no one should be questioning about their existence and telling themselves to quit.
we suffer, and we should understand that people around us might be suffering too
with that understanding, we could all take a step and save someone.
yes, maybe the problems won't be solved but at least you're no longer lonely.
yes, you can choose to be quiet. but sometimes all we need is a company, someone who understands not someone who'd solve all your problems.
you don't have to pour your hearts out and let everyone in but sometimes having someone fighting side by side with you is all the courage you need to hold on.

life gets hard, but i want to live.

My problems don't let me in.

Because it's almost 2am and it's another sleepless night for me.
I am up, headphones on. Listening over and over to the so called sad songs.
Emotions pouring like waterfalls yet I have no idea how nor what to feel.
All because of the same reasons over and over again.
Man, I'm so tired.
People always ask what's wrong but how many times would it be before they give up and leave?
Who really has the patience to listen to my problems every time?
They only keep repeating, like a curse.
I cannot get rid of my trust issues. Why do I get lied to over and over?
What did I ever do, I don't understand?
Yes, it may have happened a while ago. But it did happen.
Whenever this happens, my insecurities surface.
I don't want to do this anymore, it's so exhausting.
He used to be my escape, now I try to escape.
The feelings are there, but the doubts only increase with the passing days.
It's stressful, I feel like I'm playing a game. Escaping game. Getting out in a limited time or lose.
I keep losing. I can't do it.
You can say I have no patience, tolerance but I'm so tired and confused.
I never know what to do anymore.
It's like loving him requires all my energy, sometimes even that isn't enough.
One minute we're fine then I'll snap next.
One day I'm happy next I'm depressed.
This constant roller coaster is draining the life out of me.
I had so much to say, but I don't even know anymore.
I've talked about my shit so much, there's no point saying the same things again.
What's wrong? I wish I have an idea.

He's my baby.

Pyae Hein Zaw.
He's the love of my life.
He's someone I don't want to live my life without.
We've been together for around 3 months, unofficially officially who cares.
All he has been doing is putting my happiness before his.
He always tries his best to keep me happy.
No matter what he does, he thinks of me first.
Because to him, I'm his first priority.
He's the type of guy who looks all tough and shit outside but is actually the kindest person on the inside.
Or maybe he's only like that to me.
In front of me, he can be my strongest man, my protection, my walls.
At the same time, also my biggest fluffy cotton candy, my baby boy, my kiddy.
He loves me like no one has ever before.
He shows me, gives me love like I'm the only girl in the world.
He doesn't care even when I look like shit, he doesn't judge when I break down for no apparent reason and he doesn't leave when I need someone.
He's my comfort.
I'm stubborn, very stubborn, too stubborn to listen to anyone.
But he never gives up, he can stay up all night just to try cheering me up even though it's near mission impossible.
He will tell me over and over that my flaws don't matter, that they aren't even flaws to him.
He'd make me forget about my insecurities, maybe not forever. But when he's around, I know I am loved.
For all 3 months, he's the one giving out his all to maintain the relationship. To make sure we go strong.
Now he's tired.
And it's my turn to make sure he's okay. It's my turn to remind him that I care a lot, that I love him just as much, to tell him that I'm here.
It is my job to let him know that he's being loved. That I'm not hesitating to pull him into my arms.
Baby, if you're reading, remember that I love you.
Maybe even more than I love Justin, and that's a lot coming from me.
You've given me your all, and now it's your turn to receive, alright?
You're my everything, don't ever doubt that. Everything. You're my world.
Even the thought of you leaving hurts too much. How would I ever want to live without you? The pain will be unbearable.
I know I've became a huge disappointment lately. But I promise I'm trying. It'll be worth it.
Just give me one more chance to prove it to you.
I only need to be told once. There's no more next time. I don't allow myself to hurt you like I did today.
I'm very very sure that I love you. And that's enough for me to start thinking about the ways to prove my love.
Just one more time. I won't let you down.
You're my one and only, love.

Is this right?

Well man it has all happened so quick like I don't even know what's really happening you know
He's like the sweetest guy I've ever met
He's always trying to spend as much time possible with me
He's the guy that's telling me not to put myself down and to ignore things that upset me
He's also the guy who sounds incredibly sincere when those three words come out
I'm grateful, honestly.
I know maybe I don't show it too often but you're like a bunch of awesome!
The fact that I'm holding back makes me feel ashamed but I just don't wanna rush it you know?
I understand I'm like a hopeless boy cray and I fall fast and easy.
And that's why I need to hold back and not be the crazy clingy girl
Sometimes I just need space to calm down and not jump on you haha
I don't really know what these feelings mean but they're definitely going up and down like a fucking roller coaster
When I'm upset, I try not to get you involved but you always do and end up making me forget about everything else
But every time you do that, I feel like my sadness has been transferred to you and I don't like that
When I'm mad, at you especially, you always cut through my anger and it's as if you can read of mind because you always end up making me feel waaay better
When I'm happy, grinning at my phone happy? Don't even doubt it. Yes, you're on again.
you've been nothing but an amazing guy to me even though I always act like s bitch and take things to the extreme
I'm just so happy to have you in my life you know
Hey it's almost 3 again, but this time, I'm one hell of a happy motherfucker
I just miss you, that's all :b
Thank you for everything you've done. For me. For us.

P.S. man this shit's hard, I'm falling way too fast