My problems don't let me in.

Because it's almost 2am and it's another sleepless night for me.
I am up, headphones on. Listening over and over to the so called sad songs.
Emotions pouring like waterfalls yet I have no idea how nor what to feel.
All because of the same reasons over and over again.
Man, I'm so tired.
People always ask what's wrong but how many times would it be before they give up and leave?
Who really has the patience to listen to my problems every time?
They only keep repeating, like a curse.
I cannot get rid of my trust issues. Why do I get lied to over and over?
What did I ever do, I don't understand?
Yes, it may have happened a while ago. But it did happen.
Whenever this happens, my insecurities surface.
I don't want to do this anymore, it's so exhausting.
He used to be my escape, now I try to escape.
The feelings are there, but the doubts only increase with the passing days.
It's stressful, I feel like I'm playing a game. Escaping game. Getting out in a limited time or lose.
I keep losing. I can't do it.
You can say I have no patience, tolerance but I'm so tired and confused.
I never know what to do anymore.
It's like loving him requires all my energy, sometimes even that isn't enough.
One minute we're fine then I'll snap next.
One day I'm happy next I'm depressed.
This constant roller coaster is draining the life out of me.
I had so much to say, but I don't even know anymore.
I've talked about my shit so much, there's no point saying the same things again.
What's wrong? I wish I have an idea.