new chapter, same old shit.

why is it so hard to feel like I'm actually good enough for once?
a whole new chapter has opened,
and I still feel just as shitty.
feeling like I'll never meet your expectations just sucks so bad I want to die in a hole
I hate myself, a lot.
for bringing in unnecessary drama for you
for putting negative thoughts into your head
for constantly needing your attention
for being overly clingy
for not understanding you better
for feeling like a pile of crap all the freaking time.
all these things trouble you, don't they?
you said having a girlfriend is a burden
I really did wish I'd be able to prove you wrong
HA! see what happened.
again, I appeared to be the most difficult bitch to impress on earth.
I don't deserve you, I don't deserve anyone.
you always have to try hard to make me happy.
and I always remain as the darkened soul
I don't make you happy.
All I do is piss you off. Mess up your life.
I'm honestly too negative to handle.
maybe you should give up.
just let me curl up in my depressing corner
I'm sure you didn't have a crush on this broken girl.
You must have thought you liked me because I was always so happy, so loud, so talkative, so cute as you would say.
Do you regret it now?
I'm not that girl.
I'm hopelessly insecure, self-conscious, selfish, sensitive, vulnerable, depressed.
I'm not who you think I am.
two faced. that's me.
putting on the cheerful side, meet new people.
then turn around and go back to the girl with too much sadness.
why can't I see the world the way you guys do?
why do I listen to sad songs when I'm already a pile of sad shit?
why do I listen to my depressing thoughts even though they might not be true?
why can't I lighten up my mood?
why do I always push myself back to the neat stack of saddening thoughts?
WHY DON'T I EVER LET MYSELF BE HAPPY!?
I'm in too deep haha.
am I going crazy? I'm always asking myself questions like these in my head.
is it even normal to talk to yourself like that?
I think I'm blackened. Burnt. Too dark to be normal anyway.
You're probably gonna stop caring soon.
once you've had enough of my not good enough bullshit.
when that day comes, just go.
there's no need for goodbyes.
people leave. all the time.
seriously I know where my problem is. but I don't think it's solvable.
is that even a word
it's almost 3am.
and I'm here, drowning in my own pity.
have I gone insane?
or maybe I've always been insane.
I wish you'd leave me sometimes.
so I can at least have a reason to cry for hours.
it's not good that I'm so happy now when you're around.
I'll depend on you, I'll be attached.
and when you leave, I'll be devastated. I'll be miserable.
it's surprising how I still feel surprised every time even though this has happened countless time
haven't I learned to brace myself for the leavings?
guess I haven't.
I let my walls down every time. I let people in every time. I let myself die a little inside every time.
why do I like to torture myself?
it's times like this where I'd feel like cutting myself.
maybe it's a good idea, maybe it's not. but who knows?
I'm too much of a coward to do it though.
there's always a hole around where my heart is. and it's always sucking in the small puff of oxygen I have.
it always appears so abruptly. yet so predictably. maybe it's just me, since it has happened so frequently.
it is overwhelming. every time.
is it because I have too much tears stored up inside?
is it because I have been holding in for way too long?
sometimes I wonder...do people know they're all suffocating me in one way or another?
I'm laughing, doesn't mean I'm happy.
it usually just means I'm one hell of an actress (;
I don't acknowledge your insults, doesn't mean they don't hurt
it usually just means I'm holding back tears
I don't cry in front of you, doesn't mean I'm too strong
it usually just means I don't need people to see my vulnerability
I don't talk back, doesn't mean I agree
it usually just means I know how it feels to be hurt and I don't want to hurt your feelings
I don't even know if this is suffering.
I don't even know when did this happen to me.
I don't even know when have I chosen this horrible path.
I don't even know what I don't know.
I just feel like a piece of shit, so useless, so ugly, so unwanted, so weak, so left out.
is this a choice that I have made? or is it another meant to be?
why, just why do people assume that I'm strong, mature, responsible?
why does everyone set high expectations when it comes to me?
why do people get so disappointed, so upset when I can't meet their expectations?
I'm a teen, just like everyone else.
why am I supposed to be the one comforting others when they're in need? they never return the favour when I need it anyway.
why am I supposed to be the one in charge of everyone? always the one taking the blast. always the one giving people reasons to do things even though I'm just a teen who's having a mouth full of shit.
why am I supposed to be the one taking up the responsibilities when no one else would? everyone can push them away and I don't get to choose?
sometimes I wanna be weak, be immature, be irresponsible too.
I don't want to grow up.
why is it that no one understands? why is it that no one sees I'm like other people?
I don't want to grow up faster than the rest as well.
You think I want to be the adult to the other people my age?
who assigned me these jobs?
"I expected so much more from you" is officially the line I hate hearing.
WELL IT'S YOUR FUCKING FAULT FOR EXPECTING FROM ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. WHY BLAME ME WHEN I CAN'T MEET YOUR EXPECTATIONS?
I am my own free man too.
why do I have so many unanswered questions? the answer to this question will forever be an unknown as well, haha.
maybe there's something wrong with my head
I'm starting to think everyone should just leave.
get away from me before it's too late, right?
no one deserves to be involved with some negative selfish bitch.
everyone leaves in the end, anyway.
I wish they'd just all go together so I don't have to be swallowed by the same emptiness every time.
the emptiness is solely unbearable.
it's like talking on the phone with your loved ones and then they hang up.
the emptiness is exactly what I feel when someone walks out of my life
why don't they all just do it all at once? over and done with.
I know I can't really blame them for walking away.
because I feel bad for them for trying to save me.
trying to make me happy again.
trying not to hurt me.
but I honestly feel so broken, I don't think I can be fixed anymore.
I don't know what I want.
sometimes I'd wish people would try harder. then maybe I can finally be rid of all the negativity.
sometimes I'd wish all of you to leave me alone since it's not possible to save my poor poor soul anyway.
most of all I just wish there's someone out there to understand, you know?
someone who'll tell me it's okay to feel like this. it's just a phase everyone goes through. that it's going to be okay soon. someone who's willing to stay forever as they promised. someone who'll not get tired of my shit. someone permanent.
because this world is hard.
I'm exhausted. I don't want to do this anymore.
it's so cruel. the world.
keeping a smile on even when someone is clearly insulting you is hard.
telling yourself it's okay when no one else is there for you is hard.
ignoring the offensive comments you get from everyone including your family is hard.
lying to yourself constantly because snapping back into reality is too painful is hard.
not caring is hard.
meeting expectations is hard.
not breaking down is hard.
pretending to be someone you're not is hard.
waking up every morning knowing shit is going to happen is hard.
falling asleep crying is hard.
crying yourself to sleep because that's the only time you can let your guards down is hard.
trying to love yourself is hard.
finding happiness is hard. if you ever find it, staying happy is even harder.
being alive is the hardest.
so hard that I've thought of leaving everything behind so many times.
who'll actually care though?
my family? my friends?
sure, they'll be sad. but they'll move on eventually.
sure, they might be sad. but they won't find out why I left.
no one ever understands.
maybe they've tried, but I didn't notice.
I have no idea what happened to the happy, carefree little girl.
why has she made the wrong decision to grow up?
why did she become this monster who's always hating on herself?
she's slipping away. slowly, but surely.
slipping to God knows what.
all she ever feels is either all emotions jumbling up or nothing at all.
it's either a black hole appearing in the middle of her chest, sucking the little she has left or the black hole just take over, swallowing her whole.
maybe one day she'll let it take over forever. so she doesn't have to come back to this horrible place.
if she has zero reason to stay alive, maybe she's a goner already.
but there's still strings attached. holding her back from running to the sharp edges of death.
there are still people she cares about. there are still people she wishes to help.
maybe, just maybe someone out there needs her. and is willing to stick by her side.
it might be just a silly thought.
but that's the thought that has been keeping her sane. that's the thought she holds onto.
to get through all these shits, that's the thought that has been giving her hope.
everything is a big maybe.
maybe she might just give up on that tiny little hope and go to sleep.

I wish I'm not this depressed, not this difficult to handle, not so sensitive, not so insecure.
I wish I don't care so much, don't think so much, don't feel so much, don't listen to my own thoughts so much, don't drown in my own thinking so much.
I just wish somethings would have been different. A good different.
perhaps I shouldn't ask for so much.
I have a better life than most people after all.

Times like this always scare me.
because I'll be up alone, allowing my thoughts to haunt me.
I've been writing since more than an hour ago.
isn't this terrifying?